Excuse Me While I Barf

What the hell is this phenomenon known as the Jonas Brothers? I’ve been hearing about them and I know that they’re beyond huge, but I really never paid much attention. I saw them this past week on the MTV Video Music Awards which, apparently, I’m too old to be hip to dat game. Like, for reals, yo. Because like, word, you gotta have the dance moves to be a star. It’s not about the singing or the music or even about the performance. To be a star on MTV you either have to be a slut, talk about hating sluts, or talk about how bad you want to get with a fine looking slut. That said, I guess it is somewhat of a respite from all the sluts and the never-ending flow of slut talk to revel in that which is the Jonas Brothers. But come on! Just look at these nerds:

They’re little accountants with guitars. There’s nothing cool about their choreographed charm or their sappy sweetness. They wear promise rings showing to their commitment to remaining virgins until they’re married. Oh please! Like I’m supposed to believe that crap. They have thousands of girls chasing after them and screaming to touch them. And why?! They’re not attractive. They’re doofy. They sing like the boy version of Brittney Spears, nasally and scratchy. And we all know where her talent got her. Besides, I seem to recall a press conference a few years back with Brittney announcing her chastity to all her adoring fans.

Please. I can’t take it. The stars with the real talent don’t even waste their time with the MTV awards anymore. It used to mean something to get an MTV award. And the performances showcased talent and real music that was easily appreciated. 10 years ago we were entertained by bands like these COOL badasses:

The Eurythmics

Don Henley

Bruce Springsteen

This year we saw this and I just don’t get it. What do you think?